A couple of months ago, our pastor, Scott, taught on the book of Ecclesiastes, and I thought back to the first time I read those twelve chapters, tucked between Proverbs & Song of Solomon. In many ways, it’s a fascinating read. A man of such power, wealth, influence, wisdom, and he determines that pursuits & desires of this world are meaningless, futile, like “chasing after the wind.”
His pursuit of knowledge & wisdom resonated with me the most. I like to understand things, and I love asking questions. Information is overwhelmingly accessible in this technological age, and I think it’s safe to say we have all grappled with the pursuit of knowledge in hopes of maintaining a level of comfort & control. Have you ever sought medical advice from the internet? I’d have to start counting on my toes the number of times I was assured my symptoms were dire. Sometimes we seek information from the wrong sources, and other times, we seek knowledge that we shouldn’t, that is beyond our comprehension, rightfully withheld from us.
During Scott’s sermon, my mind drifted, reflecting on the times I’ve wandered and gone astray while seeking the things of this world. I searched & searched my brain for personally ill-attempts at pursuing knowledge & wisdom, and though I’m certain there are countless examples, I keep coming back to one. Anyone but that one, I plead..
My husband & I started dating in the spring of 2018, and I don’t know when or how it was decided, verbalized or not, but we knew we would be getting married. About 6 months later, Dalton’s papaw was at our local VA hospital for a routine check-up when he suffered a heart attack. He had to be resuscitated, and later that evening, while in the waiting room of the ICU, the attending physician assistant walked in to update us on his status. I can’t remember all that was said except for one question that was directed towards Dalton’s mamaw:
“If he codes again, do you want us to resuscitate him again?”
Even today, tears well up in my eyes when I recall that memory. What a question to have to ask a bride of almost 50 years. What a question to have to hear of a bride-to-be. Fear took hold of me that day when Satan whispered, “That’s all love is - death & heartache.” Just a year before, I was jumping from airplanes & off bridges. I thought I was fearless until I wasn’t. I laughed at death until I didn’t.
At a recent women’s conference, I had the privilege of hearing Jackie Hill Perry teach in-person. She was elaborating on Genesis 22 and the sacrifice of Abraham’s son, Isaac. I’ve heard mumblings on this passage before, about how the thought of sacrificing one’s own son or daughter is unimaginable. How could Abraham possibly obey God in this moment? Perry states it’s because God has been continually testing Abraham, as He does us. This wasn’t Abraham’s first test; this was one of many.
Whether or not we realize it, with each trial, God is preparing us for what’s next. This is affirmed by James when he penned “that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”1 Not even a year before Dalton’s papaw passed, I was in a pit of despair with ulcerative colitis. During that season of sleepless nights & disheartening days, I constantly reminded myself that it was a temporary situation, that it would not - could not - last forever.2 Unknowingly, this experience would aid me in the next.
I had bought into Satan’s lie, and it was a quick downward spiral from there. First, I was afraid I was going to die. After a week or two, it then evolved into a worry that Dalton was going to die. A couple more weeks passed, and my fear evolved one last time. I was deeply troubled that I would commit suicide. It wasn’t that I wanted to; it was that I was terrified of coming to a place that I would. This fear, by far, crippled me the longest. A bombardment on the mind is a difficult experience for me to articulate let alone help someone to understand. We each wage our own battles, and even though they may look different, the perpetrator is the same. Satan will use anything & everything to try to dismantle you.3
But God. He will not leave us nor forsake us.4
I knew this season was temporary. It would not - could not - last forever, but the evidence was clear: my love for Dalton was greater than my reverence for God. My eyes had shifted away from God. I now held Dalton above Him - a gift above the Giver. The fear of death consumed me, and I was convinced tragedy was lurking, more than ready to separate us. I didn’t know when, I didn’t know how. I was straining for knowledge that was not mine to know, and my grasping only increased my anxiety.
As I was writing this week, I was thinking about love, about it being a fruit of the Spirit, and how with any of the nine attributes, we must look to God. Love is first found in and exemplified by God. How are we - His creation - to reflect the Creator’s love? How did Jesus reflect His Father’s love? By loving Him first, to the extent of yielding to His will of dying on a cross for the sins of all humanity. You see, in that ultimate & infinite display of love, God loved Dalton first and more than I ever could.5
I was searching for peace of mind, for a sense of security here on earth, but I kept coming up empty. Seeking answers to life in the world - in myself, in others, in things - will only lead to death. It is possible to find answers in the world - for worldly things - but this wasn’t a worldly struggle. I was going to have to look elsewhere. I had a not-of-this world burden that could only be relieved by a not-of-this-world God. His name is Yahweh, and it wasn’t until I surrendered my pursuit of knowledge & wisdom, while also finding my answer in Him, did I receive life.6
Yahweh
If you know Him, I pray your faith continues to deepen.
And if you don’t, I pray you ask Him for the faith to believe.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4, NIV)
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18, NIV)
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (John 10:10a, ESV)
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9, NIV)
“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19, ESV)
“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10b, ESV)
Thanks so much for sharing this personal story. I’ve heard you talk about it before but it was nice to read the full story and hear the scripture God provided to you in this time. I myself have had similar thoughts and it’s a good reminder to what is true.